Extreme OCD Made Me Believe I Was A Murderer

Owner of a multi-million pound company, father to five children, and husband to a loving wife, Adam Shaw looked like he had it all.

And yet, standing on a Sheffield bridge, tears streaming down his face, he was ready to jump and end his life.

Haunted by a belief that he was going to harm and kill people, Adam was afraid to pick up knives and even pens, convinced he would use these as weapons.

But Adam, now 39, wasn’t a psychopathic murderer in the making but rather a sufferer of extreme Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

Adam’s OCD was radically different from the stereotypical hand-washing and picture straightening. Instead, Adam suffered from mental compulsions that took over his life.

He said: “You notice bad things happen in the world and OCD attaches to those things, it touches the things that we fear the most.

"I’d see on the news stories about people being killed and overnight I thought I was going to be a murderer. I thought I was going to strangle people and I thought I was going to stab people.

"It was constant mental torture so I avoided everything that may have caused damage to people. I wouldn’t pick up knives.

“I would beat myself up about it and think, ‘You are such a horrible guy, you are gonna end up in prison, your family is gonna be disgraced by it."

As he got older there were occasions Adam even felt afraid to drive his children - Angelica, now age 15, Charlotte, 10, Blossom, six, Chase, four and two-year-old Gabe - in a car because he thought he would crash the vehicle - even though the fear was irrational and Adam was never a risk to his family, he couldn’t stop his irrational thoughts.

By putting in safeguarding measures, such as always carrying handcuffs on him and other mental compulsions – including blinking and swallowing a set number of time - Adam was able to carry on his work and family life without anyone realising the constant mental strain and burden he was under.

He said: “I would carry a pair of handcuffs in my pocket permanently. And I couldn’t leave the house without them. I couldn’t go out for a drink without them. They became a part of my life.

"Whenever I had a thought or I could see the thoughts coming into my head I had to put hands in my pockets to check they were there. And that would relieve the urge or the sensation.”

But Adam’s experiences had started much earlier in life.

He explained: “My earliest memories are of OCD. I can’t really recall having any thoughts other than intrusive OCD thoughts.”

Told off by his teachers for daydreaming, six-year-old Adam would spend his schooldays spotting cloud formations in the sky, convinced if no one else saw the same formation his mum would die.

Adam said: “I would really miss my mum, I got worried that something would happen to her and she wouldn’t be able to pick me up because she’d get killed by a car or something. And I felt it was my responsibility to make sure that didn’t happen.

“I’d see cloud formations and I thought if I was the only one to see that picture of that cloud, then my mum would die. So, I had to get all my friends to see that picture.”

Throughout his school years Adam got in trouble for not concentrating in class - he’d even avoid using pencils because he was scared he would use them to hurt people.

Then in his early 20s Adam started dating Alissa. The pair had grown up in the same Sheffield neighbourhood, playing together and fell in love quickly.

While dating, there were long periods of time where Adam’s OCD seemed to disappear; however it was always in the background.

On their first holiday as a family with their eldest daughter Angelica, as well as Alissa’s parents, Adam suffered a major breakdown.

For wife Alissa, it was the first time she learnt about the thoughts her husband had been battling for so long.

Alissa, now 33, said: "He was in the bathroom of our hotel room and he came out in tears. At first I thought, ‘He’s seeing someone and he’s decided to tell me’ or that something was wrong with him physically.

"Then he started to explain a little about what was happening, he didn’t know himself it was OCD so there was only so much that he could tell me. He just said that he was struggling with his thoughts and he was in a really bad way.

“It was shocking because it just come out of the blue. I wasn’t expecting it; and it was very worrying of course.”

On returning to the UK Adam finally met with a therapist and was for the first time given a name and diagnosis for what he was going through.

Adam said: “It was the first time that I had the diagnosis for what was wrong with me. That, I was told, ‘Adam you are not an evil person. You aren’t actually going to carry out these thoughts.'

“The therapist wanted me to stay on and do more therapy with him but I made a massive mistake, and didn’t carry on with the therapy."

Now facing the ups and downs together, Alissa admitted Adam’s behaviour sometimes puts a strain on the marriage.

She said: “Your whole life turns upside down. Me and Adam have always been best friends, and you kind of lose your best friend for a while. Because they’re not capable of being it. So it is lonely.”

Adam and Alissa’s five children weren’t fully aware of their father’s condition but knew there were times when daddy had to sleep and couldn’t play.

Adam said: “I can remember having so many thoughts in my head I couldn’t get out of bed and my little son was knocking on the door asking me to come out and play.

“I missed out on things. I missed birthday events because I didn’t want to be around people.”

As the family and business grew, the Shaws moved to live in Lanzarote. Away from his family on a business trip back in the UK Adam found himself at his lowest point yet and decided to commit suicide.

He said: “I sat on a bridge about to end it all. And it felt like these thoughts cannot hurt me anymore. And I felt so relaxed. But I felt how sad is that? Why can’t I feel like this in the real world? There must be a way.”

Adam started meeting with Dr Lauren Callaghan, a psychologist who specialises in severe obsessional problems.

Adam explained: "She said: ‘Adam, everything you’ve done in the last 30 years of your mental health problems - all the rituals, all the thoughts - has any of it worked?’ I said no. Temporarily maybe, but no it hasn’t.

“She said: ‘You’ve been running away. You have been battling with these thoughts and ritualising them, you have put them up on a pedestal and given them power, and they have ruled your life. I want you to accept you have these thoughts. I want to you to accept for what they are and let them in."

In one meeting Dr Callaghan put a bread knife in Adam’s hand then put it to her throat.

Adam said: “I was shaking and telling her not to take her hand away but when she did I realised all my fears were just irrational.”

Having battled OCD all his life, Adam managed to control the disorder in a matter of months thanks to Dr Callaghan’s methods.

After seeing his life transformed, together with Dr Callaghan, Adam has written a book on how to live with OCD called Pulling The Trigger, as well as jointly founding the Shaw Mind Foundation, which helps people and their families suffering from mental health issues.

Alissa and Adam’s own daughter Charlotte has shown some OCD tendencies, such as having to have her door open a certain amount at night time, but thanks to Adam’s treatment and the work of the Shaw foundation the family know how to support their daughter and ensure it doesn’t have the same impact on her as it did Adam.

Adam said: “I am in a place now where OCD will not affect me. I can’t control my thoughts. I still have OCD thoughts. I still have OCD traits. That’s part of who I am.

"But will I ever be in a position where I’m on a bridge again or distressed by my thoughts? No.”

The Shaw Mind Foundation supports children, adults and families suffering from mental health issues. Pulling The Trigger, The Definitive Survival and Recovery Approach is written by Adam Shaw and Lauren Callaghan.

For more information on the Shaw Mind Foundation and Pulling The Trigger, visit: http://shawmindfoundation.org/product/pulling-the-trigger-ocd-anxiety-panic-attacks-and-releated-depression/